Page 20 - Annonce Dergi | İzmir Özel Saint-Joseph Fransız Lisesi

Thoughts

I quickly get in my apartment and close the door
tightly. After putting a chair beneath the door knob,I
sit down on the ground. I’m sweating like crazy. I can’t
breathe under my winter coat made of pure feathers.
I am cold at the same time, I am trembling while
hugging myself hesitantly. What have I done, what
sin did I commit to be born as this form of a living
being? Man is the most wretched form to be on this
earth and being an ugly one is just worse. Although
being an ugly man and suffering in poverty is just
worse. And what is worse than that is to be poor and
to be evil. Well,unfortunately I might as well be all of
the above or none at all. I am in such misery that I
don’t even know who/what I am. I may be more than
one person at a time and I might as well be nobody.
Too many ideas flow through my head.I don’t know
which one is actually mine and which one are other
people’s judgements. I have always based my life and
my being as a person on other people’s thoughts. I
forgot what I really think or do I even still have the
ability to think should be the question. I am trapped
between what’s real or not. Am I even real? Or Am
I only based on other’s beliefs? And that brings the
question: “Are other people’s beliefs real?” to mind.
Or maybe we are asking the wrong questions. What
is the definition of reality anyway? Is it what we see
or Is it what we believe is real? Everyone will have
different answers to this one. So does that make the
term of reality unreal also? My nose starts to bleed
from the stress of simply using my brain. I look at my
bloody hand as I make no effort to clean it. I feel like
I’m feeling everything at once but I also feel like I am
numb. I feel dizzy as I open my mouth to vomit. Once
again I make no effort to keep things clean because
what does it even serve If our mind isn’t clean? I fell
to the ground and let out a cry…

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